Dear Diary, My Teen Angst Has A Body Count

Why do I keep this up
Year after year
Why do your remarks
Keep me in fear
I look upon the food
On my plate
Without hearing you
I know what you'd say
"Excercise more"
"Watch what you weigh."
So I started running more
And eating less
I wanted to make you love me
I wanted to fit in that dress
As every calorie my body collected
My stomach immediately rejected
Five pounds here
Ten pounds there
Soon I was a fifth of
What I used to be
Just for you to say
"How much did you eat today?"

The other night, when I was driving home from my sister-in-law's house in evergreen, I had sort of the opposite of an appifany(sp?). I-70 is super curvy and theres a huge cliff on one side.Well, when you're driving in the dark... and you're not careful, I'm guessing you know what could happen. So I'm driving down this mountain curvy road and down one of the steep hills is a sharp turn, but you can't see it in the dark until you get really close, and it looks like the road just ends into a dark abyss.
Now, when I'm driving towards this dark abyss... I almost... want to follow it. It's blankness and silence is seductive to me. I know what will happen if I do, and for a split second, I dont care. I really dont know what that means.
I know what you're thinking now, "oh my god lynda is suicidle." Thats not true. I couldnt be suicidle if I tried. I just... for one moment wanted to know what it'd be like to not have commitments, school, work--to not care. I miss being taken care of sooo much and i'm sick of taking care of people and things. This was a couple of nights ago. I'm just... so tired that I could cry, but, I'm glad I care.

Ending Quote: "If it weren't for love... you wouldn't be here."

So, unlike most colleges in Colorado, my classes started this monday. My schedual looks somewhat like this:

Monday: Observational Drawing 730a-1130a
Tuesday: Digital Typography 1230p-430p Layout Design 6p-10p
Wednesday: Free
Thursday: Digital Image Manipulation 730a-1130a
Friday: Western Civilization 730a-1130a

I have the same drawing teacher that I had last quarter, which is good because she kind of reminds me of a more mellow, older mcmanus. I got the teacher I've been wanting since I met her in my director's office when I first changed majors or "concentrations," for my Layout design class, which is also a class I'm excited for because... it's just neat. I dont know much about it yet, but I want to learn more. I have to come up with a layout for a 4 page editorial on wednesday and a celebrity to "marker render." (that's drawing with markers basically). I've never had the teachers for Digital Image Manipulation or Western Civ. The guy that's teaching Digigtal Image Manip. is really passionate about what he does and hate's the lay out of our computer labs because he doesnt like not being able to see our faces, which is nice(he kind of reminds me of Benz, those who have taken psyche with him know what I mean). The teacher for Western Civ. is really passionate what she is too.. and she has her PH.D too. I had to research Paleolithic Cave Art and create my own on friday. Good fun.

The only class I don't think I'll like thus far is Digital Typography and that's only because its a cool subject, but it has a boring teacher. Which reminded me vaness, of how you posted on, and yes, I remember that day in College Comp., how we expect our teachers to be vivacious and to entertain us. It's not that I expect him to entertain me, but the subject to me is interesting... but he's ruining the learning part by talking in a low, monitone voice. He doesn't even seem like he likes teaching the subject. Which is sad because for some reason, I like hearing about.. well the History of the Alphabet (which is my essay due on tuesday) and how the letter "x" determines the height of every font for every pt. And the history of "grunge" and "slab serif" and "Script" fonts.

In other news, I've told target that i'm not working more than 20-25(most) hours a week, no more of this 30 hours a week bullshit. Also, I told them I'm not closing on school nights that I have a morning class the next day. Sean threw a fit for a second and then signed the paper. But, I guess they've been messing up in schedualling because next monday i'm schedualed to work half way through my drawing class. Merr? Katie asked if i had just changed my availability... I said yes but I had the same morning class last quarter too so it'd of still conflicted. So, she's going to figure something out hopefully.

About my last post... it's about paula, obviously, but i'm not going to divuldge in the details here, because it's more private family business. I'll just say, it's too late for medication for her. I almost don't like talking to my dad or my sister anymore because everytime I get drilled about AI and living in denver and asked to move back to northern colorado. I told my dad in one of the conversations, "I have to grow up sometime dad." and he replied, "Ok, You're grown up, now move back." I couldn't help but laugh and then feel sad that he misses me that much. It's gotten so bad that I bring my MP3 player to family gatherings as "self deffense" as my sister puts it. They don't want to listen that i'm happy and i like the school and i want to stay or that I've made new friends and I dont want to leave. They don't care. I love them, and I care for them, don't get me wrong, but... it's my turn... you know? My dad's new girlfriend likes me alot and she's nice... she pets me. I'm not sure what else to say. She's really sweet and loving.

OK, that's enough updating... my stomach hurts.

"Seventy Times 7"

Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know,
like how to deal with despair, or someone breaking your heart.
For twelve years I've held it all together but a night like this is begging to pull me apart.
I played it quiet, left you deep in conversation.
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen.
I remember I kept thinking that I know you never would,
and now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to.

As if this happening wasn't enough I got to go
and write a song just to remind myself how bad it sucked.
Ignore the sun, the cover's over my head.
I wrote a message on my pillow that says, "Jesse, stay asleep in bed."
So don't apologize. I hope you choke and die.
Search your cell for something with which to hang yourself.
They say you need to pray if you want to go to heaven
but they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to
And everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you, let me down again.)
Everyone's caught on to (And I can't let you, let me down again)

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

And is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.
So let's end this call, and end this conversation.
and is that what you call a getaway?
well tell me what you got away with.
cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say best friends means friends forever

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you, let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to (And I can't let you, let me down again)
And everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you, let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to (And I can't let you, let me down again)

Is it a hobby or Is it what I want to do with the rest of my life?

I want the real college experience, not to have my whole college class experience to be pre-ordained. I dont want to be told i'm taking THIS history class... at THIS time. I want to have some say in what i do and how i do it.

I dont know what to do.

I dont know who to listen to.

I need... guidance.

ten movies you love :
01) Labyrinth
02) Nightmare Before Christmas
03) Princess Bride
04) Gladiator
05) Count Of Monte Cristo
06) Bram Stoker's Dracula (the one with Keanue Reeves)
07) Garden State
08) Casper
09) Disney Classics
10) Bend It Like Beckham

nine of your obsessions :
01) David Bowie
02) Drawing
03) reading
04) cleaning... sometimes
05) Sewing/designing
06) Music
07) Health (eating well and excercising)
08) Cheerleading
09) Cooking

eight things that bother you :
01) Cheaters
02) Liars
03) Trash (littering)
04) Movie Critics
05) My Face or hair being dirty
06) Road Kill
07) People who hunt for sport, not food
08) People who dont return calls ( I heart you vanessa )

seven people you admire:
01) Jesus Christ
02) David Bowie
03) Anne McManus
04) my mommy
05) My sister in Law
06) My brother (haha you dont know which one i mean)
07) My Friends

six things you love :
01) Feeling wanted/loved
02) animals
03) books
04) Giving
05) swings
06) art

five things that make you laugh:
01) me
02) my mom
03) Adult Swim
04) thursdays
05) The hamster dance

four of your favorite books :
01) Books by amelia Atwater-rhodes
02) Pride and Prejudice
03) Harry Potter books
04) The Uglies Series

three things you dream of :
01) People
02) Places
03) Things

two things that scare you :
01) Zombies
02) SpidersSnakes

one person you trust with your life :
01) My mom

Go to wikipedia.org and search for your birthday without the year and list three events, three births, and three deaths that occured on your birthday throughout history.

August 27th

Events:

55 BC - Julius Caesar lands in Britain for the first time.

1896 - Anglo-Zanzibar War: the shortest war in world history (9:02 to 9:40) between the United Kingdom and Zanzibar.

1939 - First jet aircraft flight


Births:

1770 - Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, German philosopher (d. 1831)

1908 - Lyndon B. Johnson, 36th President of the United States (d. 1973)

1952 - Paul "Pee-Wee Herman" Reubens, American actor


Deaths:

542 - Saint Caesarius of Arles

1967 - Brian Epstein, English manager of The Beatles (b. 1934)

1968 - Princess Marina, Duchess of Kent (b. 1906)

God. It hurts so much. Counting down the days... I'm dreading my birthday because three days after... what 18 year old girl dreads her birthday? I dont want to revert to that girl i was a year ago. I dont want to be that emotional mess again. I just dont see anyway around it either. Unless I move to germany. Ha. Right.

AHHH I'M SO SICK OF BEING SICK AND HAVING A SUCKY IMMUNE SYSTEM AND PAINFUL EAR INFECTIONS... ARRRRRGH

Soo... what is it like to sleep and not get any sleep?

I'll tell you.

While you're laying there in your bed, everything starts going through your brain that should have been doing that during the day so that you don't fall asleep for atleast an hour. Then, once the sandman catches up with all of his victims and comes to your house, he only gives you a small dose of powder and your night is filled with dreams. Restless dreams. Dreams filled with someone chasing you or some other type of conflict. Oh. And you get up about 5 times a night.

So after a week of sleeping without sleep, I've become sick. I woke up this morning and my throat was dry. Now it feels like I have a sinus infection maybe trying to work its way in my head.

So tonight, I've decided to put an end to the madness and take a sleeping pill. Maybe tonight I'll actually get some sleep while I sleep.

Ps. I need to get away from my dad. No father daughter should spend THIS much time together.

Me: Are we ok?
Him: I don't know, I need to sleep on it.
Me: How could something so small like sitting your lap ruin something... so great?
Him: Silence

Soooo i just got MY test scores... I took ap econ and ap calc AB. Class grades wise, I got a D in Calc (technically a C) and I got a high C in Econ (technically a B) and the teacher actually said i did well in that class. Well.. the test grades would reflect the other way around. Keep in mind I put my dog down the day of the ap calc test and the ap econ test was the week afterwards. I got a 2 in Ap Calc and a... *sigh* 1 in Ap econ. How the hell did that happen? I don't know. Well atleast when i'm running my own resturaunt i'm going to have someone else do the finances.

It's been 2 and a half hours and I already wish I was back... back there. Although its the tiniest town on the planet, almost, it's still one of the best. Maybe it's just because It's away from here, you know, the place you've lived in almost all your life. Everyone wants to get out of their home town and branch out and get away from everything and everyone they know.

I think the real reason that I want to be back there so badly is because he's there. The man I love. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm in love. I never thought it could happen again. I never thought I'd let it happen again. But, I have and I'm not regretful.

These past four days have been very Happy-Making.

The drive that should have taken me five hours, took me four and a half. The drive was beautiful as soon as i got on I-70 west bound through the mountains and I sang the whole way there. I sang to songs I wouldn't be caught dead listening to anywhere else with my window down and the wind whipping my hair about. I was so excited to be away from loveland, everything, and almost everyone in it. (Highlight, underline, bold, capitalize, and italicize ALMOST) When I got to his front door step, and saw him, everything got that much better. Although, I had dressed up and looked all cute, and he was in gym shorts and a tshirt, I still jumped in his arms in all his loveliness. (I couldn't be mad at him since my door bell ringing caused him to cut his neck with his shaving)

We went to the park where a festival was taking place. You see, Paonia is a pretty big Cherry capital and during fourth of july (that weekend), every orchard has ripe cherries. It's like a big party in the town and everyone is invited. First, we had to get some fresh CHERRY ice cream, it tasted like cherry cobbler. Later in the day we saw his mom's uptown resturaunt and made food for us and his family, but unfortunately I got sick and fell asleep in his arms shortly after we got back to his house. The next day we helped at his mom's resturaunt. Apparently, I'm the queen of garnishing. It was one crazy night.

The next day was ... Fourth of JULY!!!! Seeing as how it was fourth of july and cherry days, paonia had a parade. There were everything from Rodeo people, to clowns, to class reunions. The rest of the day was for Deno and I. It was the perfect date day. We started off having food at his mom's resturaunt, we bought some cherries (bing and reinier), and then headed off to Delta. Before we did that though, we brought some cherries to his grandma (who's a genius) and visited with his aunt. His aunt makes jewlry and made me some really cute earings, which i didn't deserve.

In Delta is where the real date began. We headed to the fireworks where we had a blanket, two cream sodas, and two lbs of cherries (no we didn't eat them all at once). I'm not sure if it was the fireworks or my new found in loveness but the show was magnificent. To finish off the night, we went to the drive in to see Click. I don't know how much I can convey my feelings how much these past four days meant to me. He means alot to me.

The last day was pleasantly awefully painful in some respects and in others, a perfect ending to a perfect vacation. We woke up late, he made me lunch, and his mom made us lunch, then we slept ... err... I slept and cuddled until I had to leave. In a lot of ways, I wish i had never left.

So please my friens feel free to take advantage of me in my new found love stupor and good humor. Well... not too much.

Leave your name and:
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest/funniest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours.

apparently I'm patient

Lost myself again and didn't care I was missing

Said goodbye to friends and drove away

I just don't belong in a town where no one listens

Even if I'm wrong I'll find a way

Gotta get away from here

Find a way to disappear

Say goodbye to everything and everyone I know

Gotta go and leave this town

All it does is bring me down

I just wanna tell my friends no matter where I go

I'll see 'em down the road

Lost myself again and no one knew I was missing

Said goodbye to Dad and his new wife

Stuck around this long, now i'm sick and tired of wishing

Even if I'm wrong, I'll still be right

I'm sick of dreaming I would rather stay up all night

And live my own life

Don't worry about me

So, I was feelin purtay down the other day because like half of the people who said that they were going to go to our graduation party came. The reason i wanted lots of people to come, was because I thought that it would be less awkward with the family situation and all. It was awkward.. but my close friends made it feel easier. Thanks to those who came: Zach, Vaness, Chels, Carleen, Taryn, Kaela, Lexi.. and Family inlaws. But today deffinately made up for the last couple of weeks. Kyla, Jerkface's new erm.. fiance, is one of my bestfriends. I know. Weird. But anywho. We went to estes to check out the place she's having the wedding and reception. Oh my lord. It was so b-e-a-utiful. God is really an artist. I havent seen kyla since erm.. octoberish...??? and when we get together we're like peanut butter n jelly. It's weird how two people can come together so well in such an odd circumstance. Kyla felt bad for ditching me in my time of need so she First, brought the Sweetness cd(atleast the first one) that she had promised me for like a year; second, she bought us pizza at this awesome place in estes; thirdly, after i thought she had done quite over enough, she bought me a skirt and a purse from In The Groove, a cool store also in estes. Feeling bad, like i always do after someone spends money on me, i repaid the lovely favor by buying us saltwater taffy mmm yummy. Lastly, We had a blast of a time belting Hot IQ's on the way downt the mountain. I know i cant convey how much this day actually meant to me, and how much fun it actually was. Kyla is just.. freaking amazing. I love her.

"you always have a home here." WHAT THE FUCK! MY DAD IS A STUPID MASOCHIST!!!!

Carver Family=minus one. Repricutions of her actions=Un measurable.

Dogs aren't supposed to break you heart. They're not supposed to lie to you or keep secrets from you. but they do. They'll pretend they're fine for 2 years while their kidney's are failing until they cant even eat. They won't tell you how much pain they're in. A vet will do that for you when you just wanted their teeth cleaned because you think they wont eat because they have a bad tooth. No. It's kidney failier. and in it's most advanced stages. He's too young they thought. It couldn't be. He's only 4 years old. But that's where genetics comes in folks. Dont we love genetics. It will take a perfectly innocent animal and give them a life of suffering and health problems. Just because someone didn't take the time to breed their dogs properly. So because of them. Tomorrow.. during my ap calc test.. my white germanshepard/great piranese mix, fritz, is going to be put down. I just found out tonight.. right after my most exhausting shift at piccabeans thus far. I cant do this again. I cant look in another dog's eyes and tellthem they're a great dog but i have to put them to sleep because they have bad genes. FOR once i wish a dog could tell me how they WANTED to die. or what they WANTED us to do for them. I hate this i'm crying so much.. i cant handle this .. 3 dogs in 2 years... i'm being punished